Bad Movie Review: Biohazard

‘The greatest scientific discovery in history has just run out into the countryside.’ Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World. ‘It’s only a movie, It’s only a movie’ Chosen by one of our Patreon shadows – please sign up if you’d like to pick a film for us to review – Biohazard is the work of unapologetically trashy filmmaker Fred Olen Ray and like The Alien Dead, which we reviewed last year, this is a throwback to the alien on the rampage in a small town movies of the 50s. ‘We’re definitely dealing with some form of

intelligent life’ with a few twists along the way. ‘This device makes it possible to amplify Lisa’s brainwaves as she attempts to channel them.’ Psychic Lisa Martyn has hooked up with scientist Dr Williams who is able to utilise her unique abilities. ‘With the help of Miss Martyn and the equipment you see here, I am able to reassemble matter, physical material from an unknown dimension’ Put bluntly. ‘You mean you can reach into another world, grasp and object and bring it back here to this lab?’ Which they are now demonstrating to the usual military types, ‘Afternoon gentlemen.’ All

squeeze in, the camera won’t go back any further. The experiment doesn’t go perfectly as Williams accidentally fries his assistant, but I guess that doesn’t have an effect as no one ever mentions it, and Lisa’s

mind has successfully drawn matter from another dimension, ‘I wonder what this is?’ ‘It looks like a container of some sort.’ specifically a china figurine and a metal crate. Looks like an average episode of Bargain Hunt. Like the fried assistant, the figurine is never mentioned again, while the crate is loaded into a van with a sentry standing guard, but… another twist in

this is that, because she drew it forth, Lisa retains some sort of psychic connection to the creature. ‘I sense fear.’ You sure that’s not coming from the guy whose face got torn off? ‘Seems so senseless to kill it’ And so we’re into that classic trope of army vs science, coming together symbolically in the lead couple. ‘So what would like to do until 11 o’clock?’ ‘Read my mind’ Not often you see that sort of age gap when the woman is the older one. #cock blocking telephone rings# ‘It’s for you.’ Before they can go any further they

are interrupted by a phone call. ‘I measured it when I got off duty, it was 13 inches – I just checked it and its 14’ Did you just call me to brag? ‘Look, don’t touch that thing’ who knows what might happen. Earlier, Mike there stole a mysterious item he found in the metal crate, is everyone else seeing a cardboard box covered in tape? Again, Lisa has insight. ‘It’s not growing, it’s opening itself’ Well I guess you should either call a scientist to examine it… ‘Nooo.’ or the army to contain it. ‘Okay, I’m going to try

to hammer it back to size’ Yep, that’s the sensible 3rd option. ‘Cover your faces.’ Oh, no, I’ve made things much worse. Although the plot to this is not Alien, the creature certainly is Alien, from facehugger, to adult, incidentally, the adult alien is played by Ray’s 7 year old son, which you can more or less tell and as long as we’re talking about casting, Lisa is played by Angelique Pettyjohn famed for her appearance in Star Trek ‘Slow down, how many times do I have to tell you, speed kills’ and nagging wife Rula, is played by Carroll

Borland, forever iconic for her role in Mark of the Vampire. It’s Rula and her husband Jack who next run into the creature. Literally. And Jack sees dollar signs. ‘I got me a monster, a dead one.’ Doesn’t end well for Jack, #Screams of pain# although I’d say the Sheriff he calls is at least a little to blame. ‘Jack?’ You alright down there? The alien continues on its rampage, killing some, dribbling on others, until… When we reviewed The Alien Dead, I thought it was very clearly a spoof, this is not so clear cut, partly because, sometimes it’s

obviously tongue in cheek, most notably when the alien encounters an ET poster. while others, very much not. The problem is, the dialogue is so bad. ‘This I’ve got to see’ so utterly removed from what anybody would ever actually say. ‘That’s the most incredible thing I’ve ever seen in my life’ ‘Yes, I think we’ve seen history here today’ ‘Almost a spiritual experience.’ That it’s hard to believe it was ever intended to be taken seriously. ‘I’ll admit it does seem rather far-fetched’ On the other hand, it’s not funny at all… at least not intentionally. At least I

don’t think. ‘That’s for you to think’ You also have to factor in the ending. ‘The creature was our soldier designed to fight our wars’ as it emerges that Lisa was, not just on the creature’s side but… Thank God that phone call came when it did earlier. #cock saving phone rings# And then… ‘This can’t be real…’ ‘Cut’ ‘I think that’s it.’ #Rock n Roll music kicks in for end credits# That’s how it ends! ‘That’s ridiculous’ And this is the problem with Biohazard, it sure as hell isn’t serious. But it sure as hell isn’t funny either. Especially

during the long minutes of outtakes under the credits, which are just awkward. ‘You know the real trick to my culinary activity.. is to… that I’ve acquired.’ ‘You know the realy activity…’ ‘You know the real trick…’ ‘pause!’ ‘You k ow the real trick to my culinary ability too..’ ‘You kow the real ac.. trick to my… oh.’ I felt more sorry for him than any character in the film. ‘You’re right, you’re right again.’ Thanks for watching. See all of our Alien movie reviews here. Nice to see Angelique Pettyjohn and Carrol Borland, what other cult bit players have

popped up in later cult films? Let us know in the comments below.