Bad movie review: Godfrey Ho's Royal Warriors AKA Ninja Operation 7
‘Now that the sacrafice is finished, we eat them alive.’
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘She dresses like Tarzan but she fights like King Kong.’
There’s only one way to sum up Royal Warriors, also known as Hands of Death.
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director Godfrey Ho has taken pre-existing films,
then redubbed them and added extra footage to with a cut and paste movie that’s as effective as a pink day-glo ninja.
They must be ninjas, they’re clearly labelled.
Meanwhile in a different film some girls are fleeing a tiger,
then elephants,
a snake,
back to the tiger again,
then cannibals.
The jungle sucks.
‘I don’t know, but our mission is to stop…’
#Ok, think this sound is meant to be gunfire, but the boom mike could also be brushing up against a tree and they never did a second take.#
Their screams are overheard by some more appropriately dressed ninjas
‘What’s his purpose of going if he is still alive?’
Still clearly labelled.
Will they help the girls?
‘No. Our orders are to stay here.’
In our own film. But, fortunately.
And this is why we
Meanwhile the pink ninjas have discovered a map.
‘Boys, we’re going to be rich, the gold mine’s in Willy’s territory’
Leaving aside that Willy’s treasure map was last seen in Goonies,
there is no way the guy doing the English language dub didn’t know what he was doing when he named the bad guy.
‘We’ve just come to give you a hand, Willy’
And that’s just the tip.
We’ve barely touched on Willy yet.
‘Willy’s planning something really big’
I bet he’s excited about that.
‘They could leak our secret out’
Tch. Too excited. What about this treasure?
‘Willy will go to Devil cove from the north.’
Well there’s no way I’m making a joke about Willy entering the Devil’s cove.
‘Willy, my old buddy’
The Pink Ninja’s leader, Baron, now visits Willy.
And they’re definitely in the same room.
‘Why did you come here Baron?’
‘I have a plan.’
This is the only crossover scene, and you can see why,
and it more or less connects the plots
as Baron pledges to give Willy cover against the camouflage ninjas while he goes for the treasure.
‘If you do the digging, we’ll handle the protection’
Well, Willy does need protection.
‘I have a score to settle with evil Willy, he must pay for my sister’s death.’
Honestly, if the bad guy wasn’t called Willy, I don’t think we’d be reviewing this.
The plot is; while hunting treasure various people fight each other.
Hand on heart, I have no idea how many or who they are.
‘Geography is my middle name’
This pair are attacked before they even leave.
I gotta go home for more bullets.
Oh no, my evil twin.
Another treasure hunter hopes to get help from Chester, but he’s busy looking after his injured sister.
‘I’m sorry, I tried my best but it’s too late’
‘I understand. But now I can go on my treasure hunt’
So, glass half-full.
This couple take a boat.
‘On the river we don’t have to worry about Willy, Barron or cannibals, it’s the safest route you know.’
You say that…
And everyone is helped out by our favourite character.
‘Don’t scream, I’m here to rescue you’
‘Who is she and why’d she save us?’
Well her name’s is Jane – in case you wondered what she did after Tarzan –
and she lives in the jungle with her Mum.
‘It’s because of that evil Willy that this jungle has turned into a place of bloodshed’
There are also the cannibals.
Why Jane helps these people I have no clue.
‘Let’s drop the subject’
While all this is going on, the least threatening ninjas ever are waging their own private war.
Ah this one’s put his hood up so he stands out less.
‘What’s happening.’
Baron lays out his plan on the jungle picnic table,
while Richard Harrison spends most of the film setting traps.
I swear he has not moved more than 6 feet since the film started.
They also prompt the return of Dark Corners’ Return of the Jedi Award for significant nodding.
Back at the actual plot Jane’s mother has been killed by Willy.
‘Leave this jungle and find yourself a nice apartment in the city’
Something with a park view.
The various groups converge and the fighting continues.
Yikes.
Finally, the good guys reach where the gold should be.
‘That legend cost a lot of lives, and in the end there’s nothing at all’
Boyis that a metaphor.
But if they’d looked a little closer.
‘I found the gold. the gold! I’m rich.’
Ah the irony.
But as is often the case in Godfrey Ho films, the white guys keep fighting each other with absolutely nothing at stake.
Green clothes, why didn’t I think of this earlier,
and with minutes to go the film makes another handbrake turn,
by introducing magic,
the masks doing a good job of hiding the stuntmen there.
Finally…
I’ve saved the day. Although someone will have to explain to me what I’ve saved it from.
Should say this is also known as Ninja Operation 7 and perhaps if I’d seen 1-6 it would have made sense,
but I kind of doubt it.
Anyway, let’s give the final word to Willy.
‘I’m a hard Willy to beat’
I’m sure you are.
Thanks for watching. To see more Godfrey Ho film reviews click here.
Nice to know what Tarzan’s girlfriend did next, what other characters would you like to get an update on?
Let us know in the comments below.
‘Let’s get out of here.’
