Bad Movie Review: Hercules and the Black Pirates

‘Hey everybody, Hercules is home!’ Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World. ‘We’re in danger!’ We’re looking at Hercules and the Black Pirate, originally Samson Vs the Black Pirate, an equally baffling relocation of a mythical character to the Spanish West Indies around the 16th century. ‘Your names gentlemen’ ‘Alfonso Mendoza’ ‘Luis Santo Domingo’ ‘Pablo Dealasad’ ‘Alfonso Dealiease’ ‘Pedro Lacodvia’ ‘Hercules’ Seamless. Hercules is the star of the governor’s navy, fighting pirates, charming women. ‘Ah, your compliments are even more impressive than your muscles Hercules’ Beating off 8 men simultaneously. There’s even a fireworks display in his

honour, there’s a fine line between a fireworks display and accidentally setting fire to your castle. Everyone loves Hercules, especially the governor’s daughter, Rosita, played by our favourite Italian actress, Rosalba Neri, but no one loves Hercules as much as he loves himself. This is very much in the character of these muscle man films of which star Sergio Ciani, aka Alan Steel, made a few and this is a pretty inoffensive example, except for one guy in blackface ‘With a patched up helm and flooded hull we made it to the Bay of Caymens. Did they run out of

make-up when they reached his neck? Not the black pirate, thank God. He’s has been terrorising the area but the governor’s commander Rodrigo isn’t worried. ‘I don’t think we’ll see any more

of him’ There’s something suspicious about Rodrigo. He’s got designs on the colony and the governor’s wife. ‘Surely you aren’t trying to make me think you love your husband.’# and teams up with the Black pirate to assassinate the governor while he’s out hunting. But, nearby… ‘Come on.’ My mighty ears hear something. The pirates are no match for Hercules, making him an enemy of the black Pirate.

‘I want that man alive, alive you understand. For him a quick death is too merciful.’ Oh why do bad guys always do this to themselves. ‘How do we overcome his superhuman strength. There’s the problem’ You know what, you’re right. You’ve really put your finger on the issue there. But Rodrigo has a plan. ‘There is a blowpipe used by the Real Doro Indians that shoots a dart that leaves the victim immobilised.’ You know we have guns, right? ‘Hey, you out there! Send a boat back to shore!’ You forgot me! Back at the castle, Hercules is summoning

up the courage to tell the governor about him and Rosita, ‘I need soemthing to give me courage.’ Hands off, skank. And he’s right to be nervous, the governor’s not happy ‘Now I see a reason for your heroism’ You only saved my life so you could nail my daughter, I’m onto you. He even threatens to fire Hercules. ‘Do you prize your uniform? I can strip you of it and send you back to your fishnets!’ I’ll have you in Rocky Horror by the end of the week. To clarify; he used to be a fisherman. But I still

think the man doing the dub was having a laugh. ‘May I never again hear the name of Hercules.’ Hercules chooses his fish nets and heads home, but… ‘He’ll die such a slow death that he’ll have time to wish he’d never been born.’ I predict he’ll die such a slow death he’ll have time to escape it. Rodrigo leaves, Where’s the land? How far are we rowing? Leaving Hercules to his grim fate. ‘With every wave that hits the bow more water will enter the hold until you drown’# I’m not advocating torture, which I personally hate seeing onscreen,

but that does not seem like enough to warrant all this bragging on the slow death. ‘Too bad we won’t be able to watch him die’ Bad guys never learn. Still he is chained up, so yeah but those manacles. If only, earlier in the film someone had specifically identified his superhuman strength as the problem. ‘You’re finished now Hercules’ Could have just stabbed him. Hercules swims for it. ‘Hercules, I’ll get you.’ I’ll get you. ‘If you haven’t been eaten’ If you have then I probably won’t get you, but if you haven’t. Hercules isn’t eaten although tragically his

trousers are. He’s found by the comic relief. ‘Guess who’s dead down on the beach; Hercules’ That’s his mother you’re talking to! ‘However he’s still breathing’ So many films are at their least funny when they try to be funny. ‘I’ll have no peace till the Black Pirate has been made to pay the penalty for his atrocious crimes’ I’ll avenge my trousers. Meanwhile, Rodrigo kidnaps the governor’s youngest daughter and frames Hercules by putting his amulet in the girl’s bed, then… ‘Now I know who took Alma, and I can prove it, with this!’ No one even saw you

find it! Where was the point?! He sends a message to further incriminate Hercules. ‘Can You read?’ ‘No’ ‘Are you sure you can’t?’ It’s pretty easy. ‘To the Black Pirate, everything has gone well I arranged so that HERCULES was accused of dealing the child.’ Seemless. And we climax in the big fight. Good guys kill quickly. But Rodrigo isn’t finished yet. ‘I’ll keep the child with me as hostage’ But… Why didn’t I do that to Hercules? This is silly, ‘Follow me.’ So low budget they can’t even afford to light all the torches and it wastes Rosalba Neri,

who really is better as the bad girl. But to be honest I don’t have any major problem with it, it’s fun, and Hercules isn’t as irritating as these heroes often are. I think we’re just reviewing it for the fishnets line. ‘I always said Hercules couldn’t be a traitor.’ Hey Hard Corners, introducing Dark’s range of B-Movie t-shirts, there is a link in the description below.’ Thanks for watching. For new bad movie reviews every Monday, subscribe here. From Alan Steel through Schwarzenegger, Reeves and Disney, who’s your favourite Hercules? Let us know in the comments below. ‘There are

just some people who never learn.’

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