Chelsea Handler Has a Massive Crush on Robert De Niro (Extended) | The Tonight Show

-I’m so happy to see you. -Happy birthday. -Yeah. Thank you very much. -It’s the show’s birthday, you guys. It’s ten years. -Ten years. A big deal. You’ve always been great to us. You know, this is actually your — This is your 14th appearance on our show. -14 times.

-Yeah. Thank you very much for being a great guest. -Well, I want to say thank you for being a very gracious host. Because you probably don’t know this because you guys are in the front of the audience — or in the audience — but backstage, whenever I bring

any of my nieces or nephews or family members, Jimmy is the most gracious host, comes, takes pictures with my whole family and is so nice. And not every talk-show host does that. So I really, really appreciate that. -Thank you for saying that. We’re going to get to this.

You’re making some history here. -Look at that smoke show, you guys! -Look at that smo– That’s what I’m talking about. You look fantastic. Stunner, stunner. Do you — By the way, I always think about this. The first time you ever came on the show, it was “Late Night,”

and I was very nervous. -Oh, yes! -And we did a bit where we raced through the audience. Do you remember this? -Yes. I beat

you, right? -Yes. You beat me. -Yeah. Yeah. -And I’m very competitive. -I remember wearing nursing sneakers because you guys didn’t have any sneakers for

me to run in, so I had to put on these, like, white, heavy Reebok nursing sneakers. -Yes. We want to make sure everyone was safe. And then I got very competitive. The idea is we had martini glasses. -Yes. -Because that was part of — -I like alcohol. -You

do like alcohol. Yeah. That’s why. I was trying to think of a different reason. But, yes. And we had to run through the audience and then come down and pour whatever we had left in a beaker and see whoever got past a certain line fastest won the game

or something like that. -Yes. And you — But you didn’t — It didn’t go well for you because you ended up breaking the glass and fall– Did you fall? -Yes. I slipped — -On your face? -I slipped — No, on my hand. I slipped on the vodka and

fell on my hands. And I was so — And it was — It taught us a lesson because it wasn’t plastic. We used glass. -Yeah. -And so I cut both of my hands open. -And was bleeding, like, a lot. And we were wrapping up the show, and I

was like, “Good night! Thank –” And then I’m like, “Oh, my God!” -Yeah, no. Because I think I had your book and I was holding your book and I go, “Pick up Chelsea’s new book,” and there was blood all over the book, and you’re like, “Oh, my God!

What’s wrong?! You’re bleeding! Are you okay?! You okay?!” It was crazy. We actually — We have a clip of it? ♪♪ -Why — Why was I… Why am I that competitive? You’re just being funny pouring it into a thing. -Yeah, well, I mean, honestly, I’m an advanced drinker,

so I don’t have the issues that you’re dealing with. I can run and drink. I can swim and drink. -I can play volleyball and drink. I can do whatever. -Volleyball. Yeah. I’m happy that you came on the show tonight. You and Robert De Niro. -I know. I’m very

sexually attracted to Robert De Niro. -Are you really? -I’m not gonna pretend that I’m not. I have — I couldn’t even go near him backstage because his girlfriend’s back there, and I don’t want her to think that I’m making a move, but I want to make a move.

You know, I just — I have a penchant for elderly men. -Yeah. -I do. I always date older. I mean, at some point, I’ll have to stop, you know, because it’s gonna get too old. But I — I feel sexually attracted to Robert De Niro. I always have.

And I would like to be penetrated by him. -Okay. Alright. I, uh — I’m gonna change the subject. I, um — I follow you on all the socials. I see you have a new — a new puppy in your life. -I do. Aww. -Let’s talk about puppies. Look

at this. -It’s hard to see him. It’s hard to see him. But he’s such a lover. His name is Doug, and he’s my new — What’s so funny about that? -Yeah. -Um, he’s my newest addition to my family, and he’s a lover. So I have had a lot

of dogs in my life. -Yeah. -And all of them are brainwashed by my housekeeper. She’s been my housekeeper for 20 years, and I travel a lot because I’m always on tour. I’m doing stand-up. Blah, blah, blah. And she turns the dogs against me. -Yeah. -Yeah. -So, Doug —

I had to steal him, take him away for three months without my cleaning lady having any access to brainwash him. -Yeah. -And I have imprinted on him. And now when he sees me, he runs from her to me. And I’ve never felt more pride in my life. -You’ve

finally done it. -Finally have a dog. I finally have a dog that respects me. You know what I mean? -Yeah. -I’m the one running around making a living for the whole family. -Yes! -And he can’t act like the housekeeper is his birth mother when I birthed him. -Oh,

my God. I’m happy for you and Doug. -Thank you. -Uh, Chelsea, I want to talk to you about this. This is a giant deal. Las Vegas. -So exciting. First of all, I have to say I’m so appreciative because I’ve been on tour for a really long time. This

tour I’m enjoying very much. I get to perform at amazing venues. The Kings Theatre in Brooklyn. I’m doing. I’m doing the Santa Barbara Bowl. And then I get this opportunity to do a show once a month for the next two years in Vegas, which is the most ideal

amount of time to spend in Vegas, is 24 hours a month, you know? -Yeah. You don’t want to spend more than two days there. -And I love Vegas for the right amount of time. I like to gamble, I like to drink, I like to perform. It’s got all

of the fixings that I enjoy. -For one day. -For one day. Because when you gamble, you want to go in and gamble and get out. You can’t just keep gambling. You’ll lose. So I’m going to turn the Cosmopolitan Casino into the luckiest casino in Vegas. -That’s what I’m

talking about. You are going to do that. -I’m lucky, and now the Cosmo’s gonna be lucky. -You did — Uh, you did a photo shoot there. You were there last week, and your team went down. Here’s you gambling with Doug. I mean, I didn’t know. He’s already gambling?

-Yeah, yeah, the apple doesn’t fall far from the bottle. – He’s already gambling. Did you really, uh, gamble while you were there? -Well, what I did was I asked the casino. I didn’t have any money because we all flew in for the day to do our photo shoot

and, you know, promote this and blah, blah, blah. And I asked the casino to give me some cash and I said, “Can we have some cash for everybody on my team?” Because I want to teach everyone how to gamble. A lot of people were scared. They hadn’t gambled

before. And I was like, “I’ll show you the way.” And I was like, “If you’re with me, you’ll win.” I know we would win. I knew it. I’m just — I’m lucky like that. So we divvied up the money. They gave me $1,000. And in like five minutes,

everyone on my team had made $500, and I made $1,500. And then I was like, “Let’s go!” And then the casino is like, “What about our $1,000?” And I was like, “Welcome to my residency.” -Chelsea Handler, everybody! Her residency, “Chelsea at The Chelsea,” begins Labor Day Weekend. Get

tickets now. More “Tonight Show” after the break. Stick around, everybody.

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