The Hardcore Retro God (Review #64 – The Tower of Druaga)

[H.C.R.G., off-screen] This is a SPECIAL PAX EAST 2020 review.
[♫ – Original, foreboding chiptune plays]
Namco Bandai’s ‘Tower of Druaga’ for the Famicom.
YES, this a Japanese import I’m holding in my hand(s)…
circa 1985, and is a direct port of its original ’84 arcade coin-op. And don’t think I’m not aware
that there’s an anime series based on this franchise – The Aegis of Uruk (and Sword of Uruk…see info to the right).
And again, since this IS a Japanese import –
you’ll NEVER guess what I’m about to resort to! See that chip in the back?
Yep, that’s my trusty converter!
(*pops cartridge in backwards, activates console*)
[♫ – Tower of Druaga, “Floor Stage Intro”, composed by Ozawa and the late Ohnogi]
As usual, before we get on with this,
I’d like to acknowledge the following groups & individuals at this time –
Brookline Interactive Group & Somerville Media Center; Boston Open Screen (looking at YOU, Atwood, Healy & Van Voorhis);
Mike Lindquist (Wayland); Michele Won (Newton Highlands); Cambridge Community TV;
Belmont Media Center; Arlington Community Media Inc.; James Rolfe & Mike Matei (Cinemassacre);
Bit Bar Salem; GirlwithYellowSpoon (LA) and Plumdrop11 (Tewksbury);
Boston8Bit; Triheart; Sam Mulligan; GeekbeatRadio; Ian Bergeson (Sixteen-Bit Heroes/Offseason – Merrimack, NH);
Amber Hughes

(Voxnee – IN); Michelle ‘Autumn’ Bales (Oldschoolgamermama – Gatlinburg, TN);
X-Bit Gaming; Online Dating Coaches Sami Moa & Moe Abbassi; TheMtVernonKid; ChavezzSlovakia;
BlastphamousHD; Farrah Garland; Samantha Ross (Your Ultimate Wingman); Boston District 8 City Councilor Kenzie Bok;
Bernie Sanders; Matt & Sarah Stone (Clovis, CA); Matt Lister (Dover, NH) – and finally,
Hannah Heckman-McKenna (also NH) and Kayli M.T. Tran (originally from Nashville, TN; now residing in LA).
With those out of our system, let’s peruse our main premise, shall we?
Inspired by Babylonian and Sumerian mythos,
a destined, heroic Golden-Armor-clad knight by the name of Gilgamesh, aka “GIL”
has been chosen to rescue the fair maiden Ki (pronounced “kai”),
and retrieve the Blue Crystal Rod. How, one might ask?
By traversing up the ENDLESS, 60-FLOOR CASTLE inhabited by the grotesque and aggressive hostile parties
led by the demonic spectre DRUAGA as well as discovering & taking advantage of important, valuable treasures –
if in some cases, the opposite – along the way.
In terms of gameplay – in this top-view maze-crawling marathon of mayhem, akin to Falcom’s YS…
the ill-fated T&E Soft’s Hydlide, and especially fuckin’ ZELDA,
despite all of them being predated by what we’re dealing with – you’re in control of the young Gil
as he not only scours his way through each dungeon floor, but also confronts a multitude of adversaries –
about whom & which I’ll discuss in no time flat…and obtains a special item within the treasure chest,
which is MANDATORY – if again, in some cases, unnecessary – before proceeding up to the next floor and so on.
Control-wise, as typical of any top-view journey – interior OR exterior…
the D-pad commands Gil’s movement wherever appropriate, and upon holding down B and/or A –
his sword extends as a means to slaying any of said adversaries – while releasing either of ’em
disperses it, thereby leaving you vulnerable to all threats in every goddamn area,
except against the wizards’ magic incantations since your shield deflects ’em!
Should your ass get hit a single time, by the way – expect a Viking funeral in your honor…
or, in this case, a BABYLONIAN FUNERAL – ditto if you run out of time!
Regarding the ample-as-balls selection of items you’ll find in each chest, along with a key to access the next floor
via the designated, pre-locked gate, no less – there’s the Copper Pick-Axe, with which Gil can break down walls ONLY TWICE,
whereas the Silver Pick-Axe breaks down walls more times than that…but both can be replaced upon nabbing a chest;
the winged Jet Boots for faster traveling than normal; the Healing Potion for awarding Gil an extra life…
however, there’s also a variation that drains his life to SHIT, resulting in an instant death – in which case AVOID IT LIKE A GODDAMN VIRUS;
the Chime for alerting Gil of the key’s exact location if he’s paces away from it –
predating the radio from ‘Boomer’s Adventure’ by half a decade;
the Candle for revealing the randomly roaming ghosts on later floors; the Power Potion for withstanding more damage against AND from knights;
the Gauntlet and Hyper Gauntlet for upping the speed of Gil’s sword-drawing abilities – the latter of which can be acquired
by first obtaining the Balance…and TAKE SPECIAL NOTE – the Balance has to be IN YOUR POSSESSION
after obtaining the original Gauntlet, otherwise it’ll transform into the “Evil Gauntlet”, likewise for some of the other armor pieces…
various swords including the White Sword, Dragon Slayer and the Excalibur – EACH STRONGER THAN THE FUCKIN’ LAST,
and all of which are mandatory to find and acquire each next type thereafter;
the Book of Light AND the Bible for illuminating even the darkest floors;
the Key and Gate Detection Books for locating keys necessary for accessing the next floor
& gates leading to further floors, respectively;
multicolored Necklaces and Rings for protection against dangerous incantations from Wizards, you name it….
the multi-colored Crystal Rods; and the Ruby Mace…
and HOLY SHIT, if you’re to stand any chance of leaving every floor unscathed
with the majority of these items, there’s certain steps that need to be taken –
some of which includes killing off enemies in a specific order, forcing the timer to run itself out,
drawing your sword at a specific location, or having an initially, ‘less-than-satisfactory’ item and/or weapon in possession
before replacing it with a more suitable variation of said item or weapon in question.
Enemy-lineup-wise, there’s multi-colored Slimes, typical of any Japanese RPG-themed adventure –
looking at YOU, Dragon Warrior aka Dragon Quest…
not to mention Knights; Mages, Sorcerers, Druids & Wizards whose incantations are varied based on NOT ONLY COLOR…
but mainly strength; Ghost Mages; the Holy Dragon Quox and its 2 multi-colored counterparts – Black and Silver Dragons;
Will o’ Wisps; Ropers, and of course, DRUAGA HIMSELF.
Of course, you need the Blue Crystal Rod AND the Ruby Mace to approach and defeat his demonic ass, respectively…
otherwise, CONSIDER YOURSELF IN DEEP SHIT-FLAVORED KIMCHI JJIGAE
SEASONED IN ANIMAL DANDER AND JEFF BRIDGES’ OWN PUBIC HAIR!
Aside from the latter-indicated titular enemy, unless you’re mindful of how to handle yourself against every hostile party
regardless of stature, power level, what-have-us, and what items to have in your possession…or avoid like a goddamn Category-5 Storm
to further advance – your chances of fulfilling your most destined quest
are up the ass of a diseased West Indian manatee after being BRUTALLY SODOMIZED
by a chain-smoking whore with Down Syndrome from Toledo, Ohio!
In short – and consider this my final reiteration – apart from finding the key,
always get the necessary treasure item to further advance by killing off the required amount of enemies
and/or doing so in a specific order depending on the situation of every single tower floor stage area
while doing your damnedest to avoid any pointless items or unexpected, unnecessary damage.
As far as the controls go, despite how long they take to acclimatize oneself with
and how decrepit they feel at certain instances – specifically when whipping out or disengaging your sword…
and SHIT NO, this definitely has PISS-ALL to do with private-part-exposure, PERIOD –
[with a scornful yet optimistic tone] Honestly, what the hell’s the matter with this world?!
…In reality, they’re nothing short of “by-the-numbers”,
and as monotonous & exasperating as the gameplay procedure is – paraphrasing Lester Burnham from American Beauty…
it’s a “commercial for said resulting conditions when it’s anything but” – not gonna fuckin’ lie!
Challenge-wise, as opposed to every top-view maze crawler out there…
if you’re expecting a “cutesy, casual and leisurely tribulation” out of Tower of Druaga…
[with a distorted, godlike tone] HOLY SHIT-SPEWING FUCK-BUCKETS, YOU’VE COME TO THE WRONG GODDAMN PLACE!!
[normally] Seriously, it’ll “twist off your head and spike it onto the floors of a nightmare you can’t even imagine”,
and will ”dance with you inside the six-sided ring of fire”, unless you get the gist of every motherfucking quirk
Tower of Druaga will throw your way without any end whatsoever!
Since the map structures and the locations of each key, exit gate and treasure chests
are randomized between floors AND between every gameplay session…
it’s up to your own intuition-laden approaches to not only find every last one of ‘em but to – yet again,
make every adversary your “Eternal Bitch in Hell” before they do the same to your little gold-plated ass.
In addition, don’t kill EITHER Ishtar or Ki while facing Druaga, (see correction above…)
OR break any walls on the 60th and final floor – let alone leave without slaying Druaga
OR YOU’LL END UP BEING WARPED BACK DOWN A GODDAMN FLOOR!! While you’re only limited to 2 lives per game –
more of which, WHO COULD’VE GUESSED, can be acquired by scoring extra points –
you’re free to continue from your previous floor
from the title upon getting ransacked –
but at least the key items & equipment you’ve acquired are still intact…THANK GOD!
Beyond that, as ever – take every other hint I’ve administered into account so far,
over which I’m in no position to beat a dead motherfucking horse at this juncture.
And do yourself a humble-ass favor…REFER TO A FUCKING GUIDE!
As far as graphics – WHO THE HELL COULD’VE MOTHERFUCKING GUESSED?!
For YET ANOTHER Famicom game from 3 and ½ decades ago, not to mention one very popular in Japan…
but not so much – oh, I don’t know…GLOBALLY – anyways, overreaction aside,
the presentation is sparse as all “get-out” due to the repetitive floor designs –
considering how random the wall structures are generated in-between each gameplay session…
but are made up for, if not by a lot, thanks to the appearance of not only just Gil himself…
but also most of the opposing adversaries he confronts, the finale’s supporting characters
and the differentiating items that he acquires, not just the key. But then again –
and forgive the sudden cockiness on my part…graphics don’t make a decent game, right?!
As far as music & sound – composed by Junko Ozawa (小澤 純子) of Dig Dug 2, the Quest of Ki, The Return of Ishtar,
Rolling Thunder, Sky Kid & Pac-Mania fame, and the late Nobuyuki Ohnogi (大野木 宜幸) of New Rally-X, Galaga,
Pole Position 1 & 2, Mappy / Mappy-Land, Metro Cross & Family Circuit fame – based on the former’s original arcade soundtrack,
with all due respect to their efforts & accolades, it’s with a huge barrel of regret to announce that I have no other alternative
but to look the other way regarding the arrangement of songs for each scene and/or interstitial event…
not just between floors, but when Gil dies and/or makes any unexpected mistakes near the end.
While most of the main themes for each set of floors have their somehow convincing moments,
after a while, they’ll drone over you like an ongoing argument caused by a pissed-off significant other.
And the sound effects, DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED… but at least they’re not THAT much of an immediate interference.
Replayability-wise, while it’s arguable as all hell
that it’s not recommended for mastering
or casually experimenting with depending on the basis of interests
in terms of gaming history, nostalgia,
or just one FLAT-OUT severe, chaotic round after another of CORPORAL MASOCHISM…and taking every stumbling block into consideration
that’ll drive even the most curious consumers to throw their controller to the wall as often as constantly banging one’s head to the very same,
Namco Bandai’s TOWER OF DRUAGA, whose initial intent was to prove that the Famicom was making its transition
from simple-ass ports of earlier arcade titles to full-fledged, long-winded adventure game titles, amongst many other objectives –
should be worth giving a shot or two.
But heed my fair suggestion, I’d only do so in moderation if I were you!
[♫ – Ironsword: W&W2, “Wind Mountain/Earth Caves”, composed by David Wise]
Therefore, what’s my final verdict?
It’s easy to see why, apart from being popular in Japan at the time –
hence those 2 earlier-addressed anime series that were adapted,
Namco Bandai was attempting to integrate something different with this particular title.
And did I forget to mention that the original arcade version is available in Namco Museum Volume 3,
with its sequel Return of Ishtar in Volume 4 (both on PS1);
a Famicom-only prequel, hence the aforementioned Quest of Ki released 3 years later;
a Super Famicom graphical adventure follow-up – The Blue Crystal Rod,
and even The Nightmare of Druaga on PS2 – released both 6 years later and a decade thereafter respectively,
with the extreme latter also making its appearance in the US as well? But I digress…
Anyways – if you’ve got the patience, steady mind and top-notch intuition to withstand the worst it has to offer,
LOOK NO FURTHER than TOWER OF DRUAGA – or avoid it
like a quarantine, YOUR CHOICE.
Granted, it might overwhelm many challenge-hungry addicts every now and again…
but on the same token – NEVER FAILS to stimulate your senses
as to keep pressing the Christ on!
Online auction prices range from $2, or less, to roughly $12…admittedly dirt-cheap,
but still worth the adventure AND THEN SOME. Until then, my most beloved folks,
this is the ONE AND ONLY Hardcore Retro God TRIUMPHANTLY signing off.

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