Should The U.S. Ban TikTok?
SAY HELLO TO LOUIS CATO AND “THE LATE SHOW” BAND, EVERYBODY! WELCOME BACK. WELCOME BACK FOR MORE SHOW. I’VE GOT ONE THING, ONE THING OVER THERE. LOUIS, GOOD TO SEE YOU. TONIGHT WE HAVE TWO WONDERFUL GUESTS, THE INCREDIBLE ACTRESS DIANE LANE FROM TRUMAN VERSUS THE SWANS. AFTER THAT AN AMAZING COMEDIAN, PATTON OSWALD WILL BE OUT HERE. FROM “GHOSTBUSTERS: FROZEN EMPIRE.” FOLKS, IF YOU’RE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO HAS A CELL PHONE OR THE INTERNET, YOU MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN THE BIG NEWS FROM CONGRESS, BECAUSE TOMORROW THE HOUSE IS VOTING ON A BILL THAT COULD BAN TIKTOK
IN THE U.S. OR AS MOST MEMBERS OF CONGRESS PUT IT. “THE TIKTOKS HAVE TO GO. THE ORANGE ONES ARE THE ONLY ONES THAT TASTE GOOD AND WHEN I DROP THE BOX THEY GO “CLICKETY CLACK” AND EVERYBODY STARES AT ME AT THE MATINEE. NO MORE TIKTOKS!” BANNING ONE OF THE MOST POPULAR SOCIAL MEDIA APPS IN THE WORLD WOULD SET A HUGE PRECEDENT AND HAVE A MASSIVE IMPACT ON AMERICAN LIFE. WITHOUT TIK TOK, WHERE ELSE WOULD I LEARN ABOUT ACTUAL TRENDS LIKE COOKING CHICKEN IN NYQUIL? OR FUTURE TRENDS LIKE CALLING THE “AMBULANCE” AFTER SOMEONE COOKS CHICKEN IN
NYQUIL? THE BILL IS A RESPONSE TO FEARS THAT TIKTOK’S OWNER COMPANY, BYTEDANCE, COULD SHARE USER DATA SUCH AS BROWSING HISTORY, LOCATION, AND BIOMETRIC IDENTIFIERS WITH CHINA’S AUTHORITARIAN GOVERNMENT. OH, GOD. CHINA COULD SPY
THEY WANT ALL SOCIAL MEDIA COMPANIES TO HAVE ONLY AMERICAN OWNERS. LIKE MARK ZUCKERBERG, ELON MUSK, OR ABRAHAM LINKEDIN. WELL, HERE’S THE THING. THE FOLKS AT TIKTOK IS PISSED. THIS WEEK, TIKTOK SENT PUSH NOTIFICATIONS URGING ITS USERS TO CALL THEIR REPRESENTATIVES. GENIUS! WHAT BETTER WAY TO DISPEL THE IDEA THAT THEY ARE COVERTLY INFLUENCING AMERICAN POLITICS THAN OVERTLY INFLUENCING AMERICAN POLITICS. HERE’S WHAT THE PUSH NOTIFICATION SAID. “CONGRESS IS PLANNING A TOTAL BAN OF TIKTOK. SPEAK UP NOW, BEFORE YOUR GOVERNMENT STRIPS 170 MILLION OF THEIR CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT TO FREE EXPRESSION.” WELL SAID, BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT THE FOUNDERS
INTENDED. AS JAMES MADISON WROTE IN THE EDERALIST PAPERS, “THE PEOPLE MUST HAVE FREEDOM TO THROW CHEESE SLICES AT THEIR BABIES INSIDE A MAGIC RECTANGLE WHOSE PROPRIETORS RESIDE IN THE MYSTERIOUS, FARAWAY REALM OF CATHAY.” WELL, TIKTOK, THEY GOT PEOPLE IN A FROTH, BECAUSE LAWMAKERS SAY THEY’VE BEEN DELUGED WITH CALLS FROM TIKTOK USERS, FROM TEENAGERS TO THE ELDERLY,” AND MOST ARE “REALLY CONFUSED AND ARE CALLING BECAUSE “TIKTOK TOLD ME TO.” “HELLO, CONGRESS? I AM OUTRAGED THAT YOU THINK THAT MY ADDICTION TO AN APP COULD MAKE ME A PAWN OF THE CHINESE GOVERNMENT. THE CHINESE GOVERNMENT ASSURES ME
THAT’S NOT TRUE! ALSO, TAIWAN HAS ALWAYS BEEN A PART OF CHINA. GOOD DAY, SIR!” A LOT OF THESE CALLS WEREN’T EVEN FROM VOTERS. FLORIDA CONGRESSMAN NEAL DUNN’S OFFICE SAID THEY HAS RECEIVED MORE THAN 900 CALLS FROM TIKTOKERS, “MANY OF WHICH WERE SCHOOL-AGED CHILDREN.” OKAY, THAT’S WEIRD, BUT IT’S ACTUALLY THE BEST CASE SCENARIO OF WHAT YOUR TEENAGER IS DOING IN THEIR ROOM WITH THE DOOR LOCKED. “BILLY? WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?” “DON’T COME IN, MOM! I’M CALLING CONGRESSMAN NEIL DUNN” PRIVACY PLEASE! I’M FURIOUSLY CALLING CONGRESSMAN NEIL DUNN!” BUT IT WASN’T JUST KIDS CALLING. ONE STAFFER
SAID THAT THE MOST AGGRESSIVE AND THREATENING CALLS THEIR OFFICE RECEIVED CAME FROM ADULT WOMEN. WHICH MAKES SENSE. IF YOU SPEND ANY TIME ON TIKTOK, YOU KNOW THAT THE MOST UNHINGED USERS ARE GROWN-ASS MILLENNIALS WHO STILL DESCRIBE THEMSELVES BY THEIR HOGWARTS HOUSE. “YOU’RE 37, MEGAN. YOU’RE NOT IN HUFFLEPUFF. YOU’RE IN MARKETING.” WHATEVER HAPPENS IN CONGRESS, THIS IS A VERY COMPLEX ISSUE AND IT’S A LOT FOR YOU TO TAKE IN, SO WE MADE A LITTLE SOMETHING TO EXPLAIN IT. >> AMERICA IS DOING A VIBE CHECK ‘CAUSE SPYING SOUNDS SUS DEADASS!” >> Stephen: HOPE THAT CLEARS THINGS UP.
WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH DIANE LANE!
