Food Theory: I Made Ice Cream Out of My Christmas Tree!
Hello. My name is Matthew Patrick and I’m addicted to eating my Christmas Tree. No! No! Matthew! Noooooooo! Hello internet! Welcome to Food Theory! Where today you’re in for a treet. A treet. A tree-t. A tree treat. Get it? If not, uh, let me explain what’s going on here. Almost three years ago to the day, I learned that most Christmas trees are edible. They’re non-toxic. In other words, eating the pieces and parts of them shouldn’t kill you. And that was some great news since, I don’t know about you, but I get kind of sad seeing a
bunch of shriveled up evergreens laid out on tree lawns at the end of the holiday season. So I asked myself the question, why just toss them when you can nosh them? And thus started my three-year personal mission on this channel to figure out a way to eat my Christmas tree. Year one, yeah, we didn’t really do a whole lot with that one. I brewed some tea with pine needles, nibbled some tips, gnawed some bark. Didn’t really work out all that well. Oh, it’s so good. It’s all so delicious. Just a theory. While we had certainly
sampled some of the tree, we were a long way from actually doing anything actually edible with it. It was also immediately clear that the hardest part of
year two. Grinding the entire thing down into sawdust. Making Christmas cookies to try and fool Stephanie into eating as much of the tree as possible. That was a bad idea. You know, in like the first few bites, it was fine. Uh-huh. What is this? No, no! What is- Matt, what is this cookie? I’m getting an uncomfortable feeling in my mouth. It’s kind of- Really? Kind of gritty. Huh, interesting. It’s literal sawdust. What?! Sure, I’d shown that it could be done. It was just that cookies weren’t the right recipe. But now, after taking a year to
regroup and giving Stephanie’s digestive system an extra year to recover, I think we’ve done it. I think we’ve cracked the challenge. I think that this year, we’re gonna eat a tree. And not only are we gonna eat that tree, we are going to enjoy it. It is time for us to complete our trilogy of tree eating. Our tree-logy, if you will. So this year, we actually came in, did some research, shock of all shock, and tried to figure out ways that we can combat a lot of the challenges that come with eating a tree like
this, right? The cellulose, the cell walls, all the things that make this chewy, and waxy, and unpalatable. But we’re not just eating the wood, we’re eating literally every part of that tree. The branches, the needles, the cones, the pollen. All of it disguised into one glorious three-course meal. Or should I say, a tree-course meal? Man, I am killing it with the puns today. And because it’s the holidays, Steph and I aren’t gonna be hoarding all this scrumptious spruce to ourselves this year. Oh no, it’s the season of giving after all. So we’re gonna be throwing
a little holiday meal for all the brave members of Team Theorist. So today, in honesty, we’re answering two major questions. One, can we manage to make a tree that’s good enough to eat? And two, is our team actually gonna show up for work after being subjected to this episode? Guess we’re gonna find out. Now obviously, the biggest challenge that we’ve had in years past has been, you know, actually eating the tree. The needles are waxy, the wood is woody, pulpy. Even if you attempt to eat it, you’re just chewing and chewing and chewing. The cellulose
is just difficult for our teeth to work through in a palatable way. But this year, Steph and I came prepared with a secret weapon. Freeze-drying. Why are we doing it? Well, you want my honest answer? I’ve actually been seeing a lot of shorts from the channel Space Age Snacks. Those inflated Oreos that he makes just look delicious. And so I designed an episode of the show that allows me to buy a freeze-dryer and then use it as a business expense. It’s the most honest answer you’re gonna get. So with our new addition to the kitchen,
we made it a family food science weekend. While some foods wound up doing nothing. Weird! Ooh, super weird. Oh, this is not at all what I expected. Things like gummies blew up into the size of cheese puffs. Ooh, lime! Sour warheads became so intensely sour they became literal weapons of mass destruction. Oh, no. So what’s going on here? Well, you see, freeze-drying works via the sublimation of water in the food. In essence, there are three stages to the freeze-drying process. The first step is freezing. Yeah, it kind of is what it says on the tin.
Everything inside the machine is taken to an extremely low temperature. In this case, minus 40 degrees Fahrenheit, which also happens to be minus 40 degrees Celsius. Then, using a vacuum, the freeze-dryer lowers the pressure inside the drum, which allows liquids to boil away at lower temperatures. This means that the solid ice can turn into water vapor instantly, completely skipping the entire liquid phase. This is called sublimation. Lastly is the desorption process, which dries out food by raising the temperature slowly and removing the last bits of water left. By removing all the moisture, you actually wind
up with a crispy texture. But also, you get a super concentrated flavor because there’s nothing left watering the whole thing down anymore. Hence why the sour flavors of the warheads were so intense. By doing this to all our evergreen branches and needles, we figured we’d be able to get a lot of tree into each of our dishes. Freeze-drying tends to make things brittle, getting us past the big hurdle of cellulose that we struggled with the last two times that we tried this test. Thus, for our first course, we wanted to keep things simple. Basic crostini
topped with needles, branches, pine cone, and pollen. Real sampler platter of all the tastiest parts of a tree. So we’ve got our toasted bread, we’ve got our freeze-dried branches and needles here, which are gonna give that evergreen-y flavor. But then, to truly incorporate some of the more difficult-to-use items here, we found that, hey, pine pollen is a thing that exists. Why not throw that in? We haven’t done that one yet. We’re gonna add a little sprinkle of pine on top, but to hold everything together, you really need some- some glue. Some glue to this dish,
which is where our pine cone jelly comes in. Yeah, historically speaking, and even in year one, this was the one item of the tree that we didn’t have a good solution for. If you catch them early in the year, like in the springtime, the pine cones can actually be barbecued and roasted and eaten almost like a- like an ear of corn. But, when you’re this late in the year, all you’re getting is just a big, woody, cellulose-y mess. Like, you can’t eat this. So really, when you have a Christmas tree, you have- ugh. By the
time we get to December and you are actually using a Christmas tree, which is what the experiment is about, you’re not gonna be getting those- those tender little cones, which means you’re gonna have to do something else to kind of soften things up, which is where our pine cone jelly comes in. While not an American delicacy, in other parts of the world, apparently, this is a thing that exists. And we have procured some from, I’m gonna guess, Russia. Oh, boy, do we have a spoon? Oh! You know, smell it! It smells good! It does smell
good. It looks like cough syrup. Well, there you go. It looks like cough syrup, which is why they recommend using it- As cough syrup. As cough syrup. In Russia, the tree heal you! Take your medicine, my little youngling. So weird. Oh! The pine cone, your teeth just pass through it. It’s like a boba. Dude, the pine cones are real soft. It’s very off-putting. You know how they say that curiosity killed the cat? Well, I think pollen may have also had something to do with that. Let me just say, it was not my friend here. Don’t
inhale the pollen! That’s the whole point of allergies! No, don’t do that. Why would I not do that? Because you’re not ever meant to just, like, eat powder like this. That’s just not- You’re never meant to eat powder like this. Listen to your better half. Why don’t I listen to you? All the moisture in my entire body has been zapped away. Suffice it to say, I was starting to get a bit skeptical after trying out all the components. But once we put it all together, suddenly it was a different story. We have our sprinkles of
pine needles. We have our pine cones, and we have our pine pollen. Really, this is the whole tree on a little toasty. It’s pretty good, actually. As a concept, I don’t know how it is as a dish. Hey! You know it’s not that bad! Wow! We’re eatin’ pine! We did it! Oh, this is a win! Yes! This is a huge win! Already, we were off to a great start and way better than our previous two years of attempts. Despite the individual ingredients being oddly flavored, they wound up balancing each other out really well when combined.
It ended up creating this incredibly complex flavor profile. Something way greater than just the sum of its parts. Not only had we designed something that incorporated four separate parts of the tree into a single bite, but it actually tasted good! Truly, we had a Christmas miracle on our hands. It could be all downhill from here. Christmas miracle that we didn’t expect to last much longer. It probably will be all downhill from here, but at least we have a win in our book. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we have some nuggets to make. We figured the
best main course option here would be some delicious deep-fried nuggets, because, let’s be honest, anything tastes good when it’s deep-fried. Or, at least that’s the theory that we were banking on, because we plan to shove a lot of wood into these things. And I mean, a lot of wood. But, don’t blame us. Both McDonald’s and Burger King have a history of putting wood into their food. Back in 2014, it was found out that they had cellulose listed as one of their ingredients in their nuggets. And they’re two of the largest, most successful food brands on
the planet. So, really, we’re just following in the footsteps of giants. The weirdly large, clown-like footsteps of Ronald McDonald. But Ronald, for all the things wrong with him, he did have one thing on us. He actually knows how to make a nugget. This is not it, fam. Ha ha ha ha! This is not it. Oof, this is not mashing anything right now. This party is not popping, friends. So, we had to come up with some alternate methods. Put them in the blender instead. I feel like blender is gonna be our- Yeah, blender might be the
option here. The blender would not be better. It’s a pretty- It’s a pretty quiet blender. Is it- Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! The disappointment of Sam behind the camera is palpable. Watching it sit stagnant as I hear the blades go- Grrrrrr! There’s something severely wrong. The universe is telling us not to do this. After a bit more time aboard the old struggle bus, we eventually got into a rhythm. But we came to realize that what we were making, not exactly nuggets. It is looking a little like hummus, which isn’t a surprise. So,
are we making basically a falafel here? This is kind of like a falafel, right? It’s a holiday falafel. Oh. It’s a fa-la-la-la-lafel. I hate this town. I quit. I quit. Then came time to mix in the wood. And surprising literally no one, except for Santi who wrote the original recipe that we were trying to follow, wood pulp tends to dry things out, which meant that we had to get creative in the kitchen. Yeah, go figure. There’s no real online recipes for making chicken nuggets or chickpea nuggets or whatever. Uh, that incorporates wood pulp. I’m excited
to see what our outcome is. Santi wants a full teaspoon of paprika. Santi, are you sure? Can we check Santi’s? Thanks, man. Appreciate you. Eventually, Steph and I were able to moisturize the mixture enough to mold it into a nugget shape. And we chose to celebrate via a little dance. Eat your heart out, Addison Rae. For our coating, we dipped our fa-la-la-la-lafels in a milk and egg wash before covering them in breadcrumbs. There was just one problem with that. All the milk was expired. That’s expired milk. Oh, yeah? It’s fine, thanks. I mean, it does
say the ninth, and it is not the ninth. Just want one of those little sunglass effects. Watch it actually have been sour the entire time. After the camera’s cut, she’s immediately gonna go behind the house and puke. Thankfully, she did not go behind the house and puke. So armed with balls of sawdust covered in expired milk, it was time to fry. This looks great. It does. It smells great. It does. It’s gonna taste… questionable. Right? I could not have been more wrong. It’s pretty good. That’s how it works. It tasted great. I can’t tell that
I’m eating sawdust and branches. This is fan-tastic. I am eating a dish that is mostly wood, and I am liking it. Just goes to show that deep frying covers all sins. It really does. We have the beans to balance it out. We have a lot of spices in there. There’s real food surrounding the wood. It gives a little woody home. Little buddies to hang out with. Yeah. I’m so excited for us. Look at us. A successful Food Theory. Oh my gosh, it only took us four years and three episodes, but I think we finally have
the dub. It’s the climax of the tree-logy. Let’s whip up a couple more of these for our employees, and then move on to dessert. Nobody saw that. Just like nobody saw Steph and I trying to pickle a bunch of branches over the weekend. We wanted to make a side dish for the nuggets. Let’s just say it did not go well. That’s a flavor journey. Never before in my life have two stronger flavors been so at war in my mouth. It’s like an army of trees fighting a battalion of hot peppers. Needless to say, we did
not subject our employees to eating that one. So with that dish just swept under the rug and forgotten about, it was time to move on to ice cream. All right, ready? Let’s make this ice cream. Okay, so what do we got to do? Would you like a whisk? I know where in the kitchen those are kept. Here’s whisk number one. But if you’re looking for a smaller whisk, boom, there’s the smaller whisk down here. Whoa! But wait, do you need an even smaller whisk? Boom! Teeny whisk. But hold on. Maybe you want a third small
whisk. I think at this point, you could tell eating a whole lot of tree was starting to wear on me a bit. Luckily, after all the deep frying, air frying, freeze drying, and ice creamifying, we were in the home stretch. If our team is not hype over this meal that they’re about to receive, then they’re spoiled. They don’t know what they’re talking about. Yeah. With ice cream frozen, the falafels fried, and the crostinis crusted, it was time to serve up our meal. After three years, it was finally time to put this tree to rest in
our stomachs. So I think you guys should be familiar with everyone. We got Sam over here. How do you do? Oh, we’ve got Rachel in the middle. Hey! Nervous and excited. And we’ve got new addition, Kai. Hello! Yep. Have any fun quip or factoid about you, Kai? My cousin’s dating Oprah. Okay. Absolute legendary flex there. Probably the single best opening line anyone’s ever gotten across these channels. Anyway, once we got over our collective awe, it was time to eat. All right, let’s start on your left. You’re gonna have your appetizer. Just the bread and what
you see on top of it. Three, two, one, bite! No one is immediately retching. I feel like that’s a first for Food Theory. It’s a lovely piece of toasted French baguette, topped with a pine cone jam, straight from your local Russian farm. Classic. Sprinkled with freeze-dried pine needles, and topped off with a dash of pine pollen. With no one stricken with food poisoning or explosive diarrhea, we took it as a win. Moved on to dish number two. Moving on to course number two, we’ve got your entree round. We’ve got a little nugget surprise there for
you guys. So you want to just… A falafel, if you will. Did you do the Nugget voice at any time while making these? Unfortunately, no. That didn’t make an appearance. Let’s take a bite in three, two, one, consume. Nice crisp. Right, nice crisp. Good texture right there. Very kwispy. Crispy, yes. No, not crispy. Kwispy. Kwispy. With a capital KW. I liked it. Great. There he is again. Sam, three-word reviews over here. I really like it with the sauce. It’s nice and crispy. I’m sorry, Kwispy. I like that as a social media expert, you’re obligated to
do it in a meme-ish way. Kwispy? Kwispy. Yep. And with that, it’s time for dessert. So this is going to be all of us together. Ready? Three, two, one, enjoy. What is that flavor? Vanilla. It’s the flavor of pine. Not only was the ice cream a hit, Sam literally demolished a second and third helping. Sam is going hard. This is awesome. And the vanilla offsets a lot of the piney-ness. You want more? Yeah, okay, just go for it. That’s a lot. That’s a lot in there. Meanwhile, Kai. Kai’s like, no. Don’t worry, Sam will take
your bone. It’s fine. Right? Double fisting. In the end, it truly was a Christmas miracle for Food Theory. After years of failed food experiments on the channel, from bread gloves to prime cake, we finally had an episode where we went three for three. Now, to be fair, not everyone liked every dish. That’s to be expected. One thing that stood out was the fact that pine and evergreen are such intense aromatic flavors, especially when they’re freeze-dried, that it becomes quite divisive. Where Kai scarfed down the nuggets, Sam wasn’t a fan. But the reverse was true with
ice cream. It really just goes to show how exceptional of an ingredient this is and how much depth it can add to something relatively simple like a falafel or vanilla ice cream. But regardless, in the end, we were finally able to show you that you can absolutely make a full meal out of your Christmas Tree. Which means, I better not see any trees out on tree lawns come December 26th, my friends. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some more breaded expired sawdust with a side of tree cream to eat. I am starving. Enjoy the
holidays. And as always, my friends, remember, it’s just a theory. A Food Theory. Bon appétit.
