Ultraviolet Movie Review – Vampire Ninjas vs Dr. Evil
“Stand clear, doors closing.” “Damaged? ARE YOU DAMAGED?!” Oh, Hello, world wide web. I’m Decker Shado, the internet personality with the best hair. And welcome to week three of THE SUMMER OF MILLA JOVOVICH! And when you’re digging up everything you can about a certain individual’s filmography, you’re bound to come across a couple of things that maybe they aren’t the most proud of. Such as Ultraviolet. No, the concept ain’t bad. Futuristic dystopia with vampiric anti-heroes. But while Milla Jovovich was all for the far more thought provoking philosophical tones of the original two hour cut, well, Sony Pictures
weren’t. They wanted a dumb action flick. So ignoring Milla’s creative input and even locking the writer slash director Kurt Wimmer out of the editing room, Sony suits ripped out over 30 minutes of icky, stinky intellectualism out of this flick and made what we know today as Ultraviolet. And it was quite a change as it wasn’t just Milla who was disappointed. Even Kurt ended up disavowing his own movie. You might remember Kurt Wimmer from another actually intellectual action flick, Equilibrium. But even if Sony worked tirelessly to make this movie as dumb as possible, they could only
patch something together based on what the filmmakers already produced. So Ultraviolet follows the story of Violet, a hemophage with superhuman senses caught in a war with the, let’s say,
all of it is to keep your eyes on the prize explosions and spectacle and that lovely PG 13 rating to get as many eyes on this as possible. So let’s take a look at Ultraviolet and see just how Sony massacred my boy. First and foremost, our opening credits are set to the iconic, Ultraviolet comic book cover art that never actually existed. Ultraviolet is a homage to comic book styles based on comic books, but not any specific series. Eventually, though, the movie proper starts with huge balls that fall from the sky and smash into the side
of a secret lab revealing that they are actually ball ninjas who slaughter everyone in their path! Without a single drop of blood being shed. Gotta love that PG-13 rating. Breaking into the vault, it’s quiet. Too quiet. That’s because it’s an ambush. And they are gunned down in short order. The detectives spot the fangs and determine them to be hemophages. Clearly after the blood. But why? Steal it, or infect it? On that note… “My God, Ross.” Bleeding? In my PG 13 movie? Oh, no, sir. You got to go. This is all explained in a voiceover by
Violet, played by Milla Jovovich. Seems vampirism is real and an infectious disease. So of course America just had to genetically modify it to try and make super soldiers, but accidentaly made it super contagious. And what do you know? It got out of the secret lab and spread all over. Thus, fear of the new disease gripped the world. Not to worry. That’s nothing massive government overstepping can’t fix. “Requiring victims to wear identifying arm bands. Then rounding them up in special camps and faciluties.” I know what they’re going for here, obviously. But you got to admit this
subtle as a sledgehammer analogy, aged surprisingly well. But then the government began secretly killing them. Oh, also Violet was pregnant. Something. Something, dang ol’ Government killed her husband and her baby. And she got the disease. Though there is another extended cut of this movie that shows that her husband remarried so point is, the surviving vampires with super soldier powers formed a resistance which led to the blood wars between the hemophage and the medical establishment, led by Vice Cardinal Ferdinand Daxus, played by Nick Chinlund. Also, Daxus is winning hands down. The resistance is down to maybe
a couple dozen at this point. And while they’ve been ridiculously hard to kill, Daxus ain’t worried. “I’ve overseen the development of a weapon that can locate and kill every hemophage on the planet in a matter of days.” “Is there an ETA, sir?” “Now.” No time like the present, I guess. He says they have a courier picking up the weapon to bring over as they speak. On that note, we see a courier identifying herself as XPD-154 show up and show off the various security methods the humans have in place. DNA reverse engineering identification and if that’s
not enough, how about this nightmare fuel of a chair that stabs you and jams needles into your eyes just to make sure you’re human? “If you really were a hemophage, we’d already have detected tissue repair at a microcellular level.” Okay. Okay. Good to know. But on that note, are you going to do anything about the fact that you just jammed stabby pipes into both her wrists? She’s not too bothered by it anyway, It seems that insanely invasive security is just par for the course in this dystopia. “Please remove all articles of clothing and proceed into
the scanner.” And after all that, a strip search is the least invasive thing she’s dealt with today. Resulting in a butt-ass naked Milla Jovovich. As she hops back into her wardrobe, Spare Character explains that she is to carry a new weapon that can wipe out the hemophages once and for all. “Under no circumstances should you open it.” No kidding? Well now we just know that that’s what she’s going to do. Not opening a package is kind of par for the course as a courier. That’s like saying to a pizza delivery guy, by the way, make
sure you don’t eat it. If it’s a movie, we just know damn well they’re going to take a bite. Also, better not open it or it’ll self-destruct in a few hours. One blood signature later for good measure. And they’re ready to hand off the parcel. Except they’re not sure just how healthy this courier really is. Right around the same time that Hey, XPD-154 shows up to check in, played by Youlia Galenko. Thus, they realize that Milla Jovovich is not in The Courier but an impostor, So she breaks his arm before kicking all the asses and
taking all the names, taking out the guards in there and the reinforcements splitting a gun in two and using it to beat the crap out of each and every one of them, which is honestly a lot easier than what she had to do to get in there in the first place. “How did a hemophage get past the screens?” “We don’t know, Sir. Maybe meta-supressants to subordinate the blood characteristics?” Of course, future technology, it’s pretty much magic, so it doesn’t have to make sense. On that note, she shoots up some mystical, un-supressing juice to get over
the sickness of the meta stuff. But more goons are about so activating a handy dandy gravity thing. She flips onto the ceiling to take them by surprise. This might be kind of confusing, so bad guys get on the exposition for the audience. This is Violet, they did experiments on her, kinda killed her baby, and she escaped. Trying to reason with her over the intercom, she points out her motivations are to exterminate all human life because she hates them, because they hate her. Everyone got that? Good. Because it’s time for more action scene! Using reverse gravity
to escape before firing wildly in all directions and killing everyone who stands in her way. But what’s this? When she moves for her motorcycle, she is suddenly surrounded. But they forgot to take into account that when you slip out of frame, you can do anything, including a super ultra mega combo fatality. With that, we move on to the motorcycle scene, the infamous motorcycle scene. Remember how I told you that Sony decided they wanted a dumb action flick and locked the filmmakers out of the editing room? Well, they weren’t exactly done with the movie when that
happened. And unfortunately, studio execs don’t know anything about making movies when they’re left to edit together what they got. So this scene in particular consisted of mostly placeholder effects that ended up being patched together into something that didn’t look quite as amazing as the filmmakers had intended. “The visuals were lacking. At best.” “This is the best video game I’ve ever played.” Once the helicopter chase set piece is done, we’ve moved on to the stealth genre. Violet needs to escape pursuit, and her pursuers have astonishing poor senses of sight, sound and object permanence. Once she gets
a minute to herself, she fires up the chiral network for a little chat with Nerva, played by Sebastien Andrieu. First, he’s asking her why she hasn’t destroyed the weapon yet, but she says she’s in the clear and he’s like, Cool, cool. Bring it in then. So heading to the massive chrome phallic hideout, she’s about to deliver the package. But that’s right. She was specifically told not to open it and darn it It’s just too tempting now. And the super weapon they got is a ten year old boy played by Cameron Bright. Undeterred, Violet delivers the
package to Nerva, who is the leader of their little pocket of resistance hemophage fighters. But she points out that it ain’t a weapon, it’s a kid. And then he points out that the kid is a weapon, for his blood has vampire killing antigens that the humans intended to atomize into the atmosphere. So easy choice. The kid must die. But Violet believes if his blood can kill them, maybe tiny bits of his blood could cure them. Something? Well no matter what, Nerva doesn’t care about her idea, and they move on with the kid killing plan. “It
was a projection.” But that would make the movie way too short. So. Hey, magical hologram technology saves the plot. Evidently, Violet suspected that Nerva would just brain the bastard, so she secretly saved his skin. Now she has to escape the Hemophages as well. On the way out, she walks into an obvious combat arena and is like, Stand back kid, I’m about to get an S rank on this section. Even better, she’s doing a challenge run. No guns, only dodging, expertly utilizing the reflections in everyone’s sunglasses to see exactly where everybody is as they all shoot
and try to kill her, but end up shooting their own men instead. But while her senses are so superhuman, she can pull something like that off. She still can’t keep track of the damn kid. She’s like, Hey, buddy. To call them down from the ledge and promptly ask him what the fuck he was thinking. But no time for discipline. They must run. Using her guns to blast through some windows wasn’t the stealth iest option. And before long, the big bad Mr. Daxus himself arrives. Smug, slimy and exuding evil. He’s like, Hey, Violet. It’s cool. We
won’t murder you. Just give me the kid. He’s not really a weapon. “He’s not what you think.” “No? What is he then?” “He’s my son.” Oh, hold on. Dax, we’re only like 30 minutes into this movie. You’re supposed to save the big twists for act three. Violet ain’t buying it. And GTAs the fuck out of there. Firing wildly at a subway car in order to slip in unnoticed. Well, she somehow slipped her pursuers getting off of the next stop unseen. Still, goons all over the place. So she calls up Garth, played by William Fichtner, and
says She has a kid who might hold the cure to the disease “I need your help.” “I’m sorry, V. My research is too important to jeopardize for a single child.” Saving lives and ending the blood war is it’s noble and all, but no one said anything about having to deal with a fucking kid. I mean, it’d be less of an inconvenience to like this video and subscribe if you haven’t. I’ll let myself out. But we’re going to need to call the little brat something other than ‘annoyance’ if he’s going to be sticking around. So when
asked, he presents his name as Six. Okay, Six. That’s great and all. But the stormtroopers are circling the wagons. So you know what? You really aren’t important. It’s what’s in your blood Violet wants. So open the vein and make way for Mr. Needle! “If I scream… …we’ll both be dead.” But what’s this? Six can talk. Which, honestly, isn’t that surprising. If he’s been understanding her up to this point. So unable to jab his ass and surrounded, she uses the power of a scene transition to wind up outside with the kid. That way she can prod
him for more information. Seems Dax doesn’t know the kid can talk, but the kid also has no idea what the plot of this movie is even trying to be. So Violet explains. He is a super weapon designed to kill her, but she thinks he could maybe have a use as a cure instead. Because all technology is magic in this universe. “Right now, you’re the most valuable object on this planet.” Now, come on. It’s not as bad as when everyone is scalping PS5s. Using another convenient transition, Violet instantly teleports the two of them to Garth’s secret
lab. Yeah, he said no before and he’s still telling her he’s not interested in getting involved. But she reasons that both Nerva and the humans want her dead. So just not wanting her to sleep on his couch makes Garth her best friend by default. That, and he can use his superhuman research powers to look into the kid’s blood. But being a lab grown biological weapon Six is all too familiar with invasive blood tests. Hey, wait a minute. This is getting kind of emotional, so let’s kick off a random action scene. Nerva has gotten word that
Daxus has come to wipe them out so they kill the lights and kill Dax’s men. Yeah. No bother. Just gives him the chance to savor the fact that he is, in fact, the big bad and he as sanitary as possible, murders the fuck out of Nerva’s men. “I think you and I have matter of mutual self-interest to discuss.” But what’s this? Bad guy wants to keep bad guy alive so that bad guy and bad guy can work together. Evil is always looking for potential consolidations. That out of the way, we can get back to Violet
and Six’s sleepover at Garth’s. Six wonders about the mystical playground place he sees in pictures. But Violet just launches into a rant about this old dusty road of happiness she used to dream of. But the truth is, it was all just a dream. Just like your stupid playground kid. Also, she’s dying. Just FYI. Can’t have the baby she wanted. Life just kind of sucks, you know? On that note, Garth’s like, Hey, sequenced the kids blood. Guess what? He doesn’t have the anti vampire weapon inside him whatsoever. And therefore, “We can’t reverse engineer a cure out
of his blood.” The key to ending the blood war? It’s all just a bunch of hooey. They better come up with another plot point fast. We got 40 minutes of movie left. So what the kid does have is a tracking device or tracking DNA, but one that conveniently won’t work in Garth’s secret lab. And that’s not to say his blood ain’t special, whatever it is in there is killing him. He’s got like 8 hours to live. So whatever she has to do, she’s got to do it fast. “Violet, wait… …what are we doing?” Shit, I
didn’t think that far ahead. She’s like, Hey, Yeah, how about you go get a Dr. Pepper or something? But Violet actually is just trying to abandon the kid. Resign him to his fate and move on with her life. But then she realizes that will make the third act of the movie Really Really boring and can’t just leave him behind. But before she can return, she hears gunfire. “It’s not him.” Oh, thank God. False alarm, people. The police just gunned down a completely unrelated ten year old kid. It seems Six decided to just say fuck it
and leave. But when Violet goes after him. Oh, would you look at that? Nerva swoops into steal the kid, taking him back to his new secret hideout. It turns out the vampires are now hunkered down in a cemetery. Really? So cliche. But now that she’s fighting fellow hemophages, They are just as strong as her. In theory, she still beats the crap out of them with no problem and faces off against Nerva. “Careful, V. Gunfire will attract the human security teams.” Then shouldn’t they already be here? You were firing your gun outside just minutes ago. Nerva
also has a shocking revelation. The kid’s blood is not an anti vampire a weapon. But an anti human weapon. That’s why he wants the kid to give back to Daxus. Because there’s a deal for something. Whatever it is Daxus offered, He liked it. But Violet has no time for an epic Sword fight and Speed runs this shit. Taking everyone out in a single whirling blade. Oh, wait. We still need that fight. Okay, There are more vampires who are hiding in the shadows, ready to attack. And she takes them on as they come. Killing Nerva and
saving the kid. Ish. Lad’s still full of anti-human poison and doesn’t exactly have much time left. So with nowhere to go “Hello, Violet.” “3-D me.” “This is a surprise.” Eh, not really. She already got as much help as she can from Garth and 86’d Nerva, so who else is there for her to call for help? XPD-154? She tells him to remove the poison from his blood and Daxus is like no. Can’t do that. Not possible. Also, the kid ain’t even mine. Like, not paternally. He’s the sixth clone out of a collection of eight. So, new
plan. She’s going to kick his ass. “I have seven hundred soldiers here with me. What do you really think you can do against that many men?” “I can kill them.” Yeah, it really ain’t much by the standards of Dynasty Warriors. “Are you mental?” Serious Sam, EDF, there are a lot of video game examples where this body count isn’t even remotely impressive. Violet demands a cure because she knows that Daxus would never make a human killing superweapon without an antidote for himself and his elite buddies. And Daxus is like, Well, you got me there. I do
have an antidote. And once everyone in the world is infected, whoever wants to live will happily come by for their treatment every day. Because, after all, the hemophage is nearly wiped out. “What’s someone like me, someone with a job to do, going to use to keep order in a society that left to itself would sprint toward chaos like an Olympic event?” That’s the weird thing about giving temporary powers during an emergency. Those powers have a weird way of making themselves permanent, and the emergencies never seem to end. We’re veering dangerously close to philosophical arguments here,
so they open fire, blowing the car to smithereens and nothing else. As it turns out, this was just a 3D projection. Violet and Six realize they can’t win, so fuck it. They head to the playground Six wanted and have a happy, happy time for a few seconds before Six collapses, dying and what have you. So take your pick on what is worse the sad death of Six or the fact that Daxus just fucking executes Violet on the spot. But we still got like, 20 minutes of movie left, so. Hey, Garth, just so happened to bring
Violet back from the dead. Not that she’s happy to hear it. After all, Six is still dead is shit. So she can’t be bad ass. She has to go off on her own and be sad for a while. Wait, that’s it! Crippling depression! That’s the key. You see, when Six died, Violet was so distraught, she cried and her tears had to have given Six the vampire virus. So he is still alive and can be saved. Only so much time to do it as Daxus is prepping Six to harvest what’s salvageable. But before he can. Violet
arrives at the final level. “Number of weapons found: Many.” “I’m here to see the Vice Cardinal.” Variety of weapons could use some work, though. C’mon. Where’s the motherfucking chainsaw hands? So before they can chop into the frozen boy, an alarm is sounded. “It’s her.” “She’s dead. Oh my God.” Yeah, how the hell are the security cameras picking up the library scene if It hasn’t even happened yet, as Violet is still in the lobby. Slaughtered everyone while off screen for good measure. But then it’s on to the hallway of white clad sword fighters. Boy does the
PG 13 show here as she gently places blades on people left and right. By the end of it all, though, the only blood is from where she cut her hands. Changing her outfit from white to red. And then it’s on to the library scene, pulling out a page from Equilibrium with some good old fashioned gun kata, taking everyone out in a dance of death. After a few more groups are taken out off screen, she finally reaches Daxus. “It is on.” like Donkey Kong. Now, considering we’ve established that Violet is a superhuman badass, it does beg
the question of how Daxus is supposed to be even the slightest challenge if he’s a mere human. But that’s just the thing. He is no mere human. He was actually the original hemophage and the superhuman results of the infection are what gave him the edge to become the man he is today. Also, unlike Violet, he can see in the dark. But that’s not a problem. Violet can simply light her sword on fire, and they can have a flaming duel in the dark, eventually culminating in Daxus being lit ablaze and sliced in two! That out of
the way, Violet defrosts Six and wake him up like, hey vampire tear helped keep you from dying. Guess that’s a good enough way to finish the story. The end. “Yes, I was born into a world you might not understand.” Well, it wasn’t for lack of trying. Anyway. That was Ultraviolet. And I can see why Milla and Kurt disavowed this flick, but it’s not a total wash. Sony was going for dumb fun, and to that end, they kind of succeeded. And so your mileage really depends on how much you can enjoy dumb fun, even if an
actual smart action flick was literally sacrificed on the altar of stupid popcorn entertainment. But even as a dumb action movie, Ultraviolet also sits in that uncomfortably weird PG 13 world where it’s trying to deliver over-the-top action at breakneck speeds while at the same time doing everything it can to keep it clean. So as to not risk an R-rating. Obviously, a boxing match is considerably less exciting when you can easily tell both combatants are pulling their punches. And after all of that is out of the way, we still need a story out of this and what
we get is… serviceable. Some actors come and go with nearly no explanation and few things make sense if you try and dig deeper. Like Daxus was perfectly content to eliminate the hemophage and move on with his new grift. But make a deal with Nerva to do something and the boy is his clone. But doesn’t have the hemophage because maybe they cured it, but also haven’t yet. It seems the most important parts to remember are the technobabble to explain away the magic technology that lets Violet run on walls and pull guns out of her ass. Though
if she can manipulate gravity to that extent, she should be able to just fly. Now I’m overthinking that too. Point of it all is at the end of the day. Ultraviolet is an absolutely ridiculous movie with crazy but clean action and what’s left of the story. It might make a little sense. It’s dumb as all hell with hints at philosophy that’s still slipped in And the visuals are all over the place, while also getting some amazing shots that pay homage to comic books beautifully. Truly a beautiful mess of a movie coming in at two nostril
filters out of five. I loved it, but you know my taste in movies. Thank you all for watching. I have been Decker Shado. And remember, nothing is impossible as long as it happens out of frame. “You can’t make it in.” “Thanks for the vote of confidence.” And if you’re wondering about that philosophical action flick Kurt Wimmer did before this one. That would be Equilibrium. I reviewed it right there. It’s a cult classic. You should really check that out. Or if you’re into your own philosophical arguments to have with yourself, would you rather watch that? Or
they’re algorithmically recommended selegchathe pppfth. You know what I’m talking about. I don’t have to finish that sentence. That one.
