Attorney General Could Seize Trump's Properties, Royal Family Digitally Enhances Photo
-Welcome, welcome, welcome to “The Tonight Show,” everybody. You’re here. You made it. Thank you for watching at home. Well, guys, uh, today is the first day of spring. And you can tell it’s the first day of spring because Boeing just replaced all their faulty doors with faulty screen doors. I thought that was nice. You could tell it’s the first day of spring because according to the royal family, Kate Middleton just came out of hibernation. So, it’s great. It really feels good. But it’s fun breaking out the spring wardrobe. In fact, today, former President Trump went
through his windbreakers hoping to find $464 million in one of the pockets. Like There’s a Certs, there’s a pencil, there’s a tissue. You guys see this? If Trump doesn’t find a way to pay his $464 million civil fraud verdict by next week, the New York attorney general could start seizing his properties. Yep. Yeah, Trump’s pretty desperate for money. He’s this close to starting a GoFraudMe. And it’s — …this close. He might do it. -Come on! -Don’t be shocked in a couple of months if you walk by Trump Tower and it’s a 58-story Spirit Halloween. You
know what I’m saying? This is going to be a crazy year for Trump, and there’s a chance he could lose his properties or go to jail. Or
him cover the $464 million, but they all said no. And check out how they did it. For instance, when Trump asked Nationwide for help, they said… -♪ Hell, no, dude, you’re on your own ♪ -That’s — I mean, come on. That’s — When Trump asked Liberty for help, they said… -♪ Bankruptcy! Bankruptcy! Bankruptcy! ♪ ♪ Bankruptcy! ♪ -And finally — finally Trump asked Farmers, and they said… -♪ We aren’t suckers ♪ ♪ Bum, ba, dum, bum, bum no! ♪ -That is interesting. I don’t know why they… That’s right, Trump can’t secure the $464 million bond
in his New York fraud case. And speaking of bonds, it’s being rumored that the role of James Bond is being offered to British actor Aaron Taylor-Johnson. Yeah, two Bonds in the news today. It’s a little confusing. Uh, here, let me break it down. Play Bond. Can’t pay bond. Play Bond. Can’t pay bond. Might play. Can’t pay. UK. Toupee. Play Bond. Can’t pay bond. “Dr. No,” “Skyfall.” Always saying Build a wall. “Thunderball,” “GoldenEye.” Diet Coke, large fry. Codename 007. Has to file chapter 11. “Goldfinger.” Gold toilet. Might collect unemployment. “Casino Royale,” playing poker. Casino bankrupt, never
broker. Dry martini, likes it shaken. Classified documents in the basement. Spy guy. Running stun. Bond, Bond, yell. It’s a witch hunt. Spy guy, spy lie, owned the gov. Bond, bond, Bond, “From Russia with Love.” I hope that helps, because I heard that Trump is expected to hire Paul Manafort, the former campaign manager he pardoned in 2020 for fraud and tax evasion, as a campaign adviser. They hope that hiring someone who has been convicted of fraud will make Trump seem less fraudy by comparison. I think it’s actually a good idea. Trump needs an advisor like Paul
Manafort to tell him not to hire guys like Paul Manafort. And get this — today at a Mexican restaurant in Phoenix, President Biden announced a new program to reach Latino voters called Latinos Con Biden-Harris. Yeah, at a Mexican restaurant. A little on the nose. Yeah. It’s like announcing your program to win over white suburban women at a Bublé concert, you know? But Biden did his best to win over the crowd, although it got awkward when he started shaking his pill bottles like they were maracas. Uh, so more political news. Senator Bernie Sanders just announced that
he’s launching a podcast. Even more surprising, it’s a sleep cast. Relax your body and let the tranquility flow through you. I’m excited to hear Bernie say, Down with capitalism! And now I’d like to thank our sponsor, Tommy John underwear. I wear — the only underwear — I’m not just saying that. The only underwear I like. The only ones that are comfortable. Guys, real quick, I just want to say welcome back to our announcer, our good friend Steve Higgins, right there. He’s back from vacation. Good to see you, buddy. Did you have a good time? -Oh,
yeah. It was great. Thank you. -Yeah. Did you get the little gift I left in the luggage? -The what? -We all chipped in. We put an AirTag in your bag. -Oh. -So, we know exactly where you went. Like, the other day you were in Davis, California. What were you doing out there? -Nothing much. Just showing myself around the town. -Davis police are looking for a man who may be connected to several indecent exposure and peeping incidents. -And then I know that you were in Kentucky, over in Laurel County. What were you doing there? -In Laurel
County? Noth– just drove around. -A Laurel County man was arrested last night after police say he stole a school bus while drunk. They say he later admitted to drinking Fireball whiskey and stealing the bus. -Then I saw that you took a flight into Fort Lauderdale. How was that trip? -Oh, that was easy, because I packed light. -A startling sight for travelers at Fort Lauderdale Hollywood International Airport, where a naked man was seen strolling through a terminal. -Then it looks like you were in Miami. That seemed fun. How was that? -It was nice. I helped a
friend move. -A U-Haul driver in Miami hit a septic tank while driving under a tunnel. -You helped your friend move? -Well, I was his number two, so… -Oh. Steve Higgins, everybody. That’s Steve Higgins, right there. Thank you. Glad to have you back. Well, switching gears, people are talking about this. Yet another photo from the royal family was just found to have been digitally enhanced. It’s nice to know that even the royal family has trouble getting a photo where everyone in the family looks okay. It’s like Can everyone just make a normal face? Can you just
make a normal face, like you’re happy you’re on vacation? Come on! Some entertainment news — as I mentioned, Aaron Taylor-Johnson has been formally offered the role of James Bond. Everyone’s excited. James Bond is the world’s most popular spy, not counting TikTok. Compared to Daniel Craig, he’ll be a much younger James Bond. He orders his kombucha shaken, not stirred. Well, some TV news — last night was “The Women Tell All” episode of The “Bachelor,” and there was a pretty intense argument between Maria and Jess. Now, the show can get pretty emotional, so I thought we could
help. Here’s that moment revoiced with the least emotional person we know, Siri. This is “Let’s Get Siri-ous.” -So, every time I would speak up, she would tell me to shut up. Zip it. Like, shush me. -I never told you. No, I’m sorry. -Yes, you did. -That never happened. -Did anyone else hear her say zip it? -No, we’re not gonna bring this again to “The Women Tell All” with you telling me I’m saying things when I don’t. -You 100% did, though. -I told you to shut up? Oh, here I go again. It’s like I’m having déja
vu. -Oh, my gosh. -Can I just say something? In Spain, you had extra time with him, and I was so supportive. The same night, I was a biatch. It’s like there is nothing I can do for you women. -She’s not taking accountability for any of that. -You called me a biatch. What are you talking about? I never called anyone a bitch. -There you go. There you have it. Well done. And finally, a new study found that listening to Ariana Grande, BTS, and Harry Styles in your car can make you a better driver. -Ooh! -And by
that standard, the world’s best driver has got to be James Corden. We have a great show, everyone. -Give it up for The Roots! ♪♪ What a show we have for you tonight! He is a very, very funny comedian. Gosh, one of my all-time favorites and a great friend, too. He’s performing at the Garden of Laughs comedy benefit March 27th at The Theater at Madison Square Garden. You can also see him on his stand-up tour. Tracy Morgan is here tonight! One of the best. She stars in the new series “Palm Royale,” which premieres on Apple TV+
tomorrow. Leslie Bibb is joining us. That looks good, too. Kristen Wiig, isn’t it? Yeah, it looks really good. Uh, his new cookbook, “Zaytinya,” is available now, and he has a new Prime Video special, “Dinner Party Diaries with José Andrés,” which premiered today. Chef José Andrés is here tonight. He’s the best. And we got great music from Adrianne Lenker. Everybody, come on! Fun show. Uh, also, I want to give a quick shout-out to the 2024 Summer Olympics in Paris. I’m going to be co-hosting the closing ceremonies with Mike Tirico. I’m so excited. It’s going to be
great. Paris, I can’t wait to see you. -Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! -Yo. -I didn’t know we were doing shout-outs. Can I do one? -Uh, sure. Quest, go ahead. -Let me get some shout-out music. Yeah. Hey. What’s up? It’s your man, Quest-o, and I want to shout-out books. More specifically, my eighth book, “Hip-Hop Is History.” So, basically it’s like — Hey, thank you. The thoughts in my head become words. And then those words become sentences and then chapters, and then the next thing you know, it’s like, bam, book! I love it. Coming in time for summer reading.
-Yeah, it’s great. Summer reading. That’s a great shout-out, Quest. Good man. -Yo, yo, I got a shout-out, Jimmy. -Uh, sure. Come on. Go — Go ahead. -Yo, shout-out to raw almonds, you naked little nut nuggets. You got no salt, no skin, and pretty much no flavor, which is why I like you. Plus, you sound like one word — Ramen. Ramen. Come on, everybody, say it. -Ramen! Ramen! Ramen! -Yeah. -See, Jimmy? Everybody loves ramen. -Oh, yeah, everybody loves ramen. Yeah, I get it. Great. Thank you, Kamal. That was good. Funny jokes. -Hey, Jimmy. Hey, Jimmy. I
got a shout-out. -Uh, sure. Go for it. -I want to give a shout-out to Target. I came to Target to get some toothpaste and some gum. Cut to, I’m leaving Target with a new set of bedsheets and an air fryer and a garden hose and a fishing pole and two skateboards and 30 pounds of cheese puffs and a new appreciation for life. And now, I’m enjoying a Frappuccino in a Starbucks. What? You guys are like business turduckens, and I’m here for it. -Oh, I like that. Business turduckens. Thank you, sir. -I got one, Jimmy. -Oh,
yeah. Okay, Mark. Go for it, bud. -Shout-out to songs that sound way scarier when they’re sung by little kids. Like that song “Happy” by Pharrell. Not that scary, right? Well, check this out. -♪ Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof ♪ ♪ Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth ♪ -Okay, stop, stop, stop. That is — That is creepy. Stop. Please stop singing. -Let us do one, Jimmy. Let us do one. -Oh, okay, guys, we have time for one more. Go ahead. -Shout-out to finishing… -Each… -Other’s… -Sentences. -It’s…
-The… -Most… -Fun… -Anyone… -Can… -Have… -Since… -The… -Invention… -Of… -Sliced… -Ham. -Dude, what the hell? -I thought you loved sliced ham. -I do, but I told you that in confidence. -Hey, here we go. Look, guys, look. We have shout-out to books. Uh, shout-out to raw almonds. Shout-out to Target. Uh, shout-out to songs that sound way scarier when they’re sung by little kids. -Because we’re happy, Jimmy. -Shout-out to finishing each other’s sentences. -Tick… -Tock… -Ham… -Slap. -And shout-out to the 2024 Olympics in Paris. Stick around. We’ll be right back with Tracy Morgan, everybody.
