Richard Lewis Is A Hypochondriac | Letterman
uh my first guest tonight is an actor a writer a comedian and a regular guest on this program it’s a pleasure to have him back please welcome a very funny gentleman Mr Richard Lewis nice to see you is this bad posture for network television I just uh what’s the matter is it me am I do I have posture problems no I do I you’re Rel I’m uh I Just sh I just I know I’m embarrassed I I I’m wearing like a I hat a practice brace on cuz I like I dip you know and I
blame uh well I blame my family for so much on this show that it’s a night but they you know I just think it’s their fault like come out on TV it’s a network television I should be able to you know it’s I know it’s from childhood you know no you look all right I you know I if you had not called attention to it I would have I now you look a little like a chicken with doing that no but they would say you know you’ll never be in Show Business you shouldn’t and I
used to walk around around like like a little turtle with a skull cap on for like a year and a half you know and a big piece of lettuce in my
in the mirror and I was slatch over look I used to sit around the table with all the relatives they used to put me down in harmony it was like a really an embarrassing think you’ll never make it you’ll never make it you know kind of thing my father he he bought me like my first slacks a men’s slack she gave me like training cuffs for like a week and a half you know and always felt not ready but tomorrow is the test you know I just tomorrow is the test well I’ll see them again
I see at a big Reunion yeah and um who is your uncle that you mentioned from time to time oh well last year Uncle Ray he’ll be there he had you know he drinks a tad too much you know at dinner and he used as sleep I told you the guy who falls asleep fall asleep like uh you know I’m a failure I’m a loser I’m nowhere you know kind so uh I tried to help him last last trip in I I tried to get one of these uh self-help books for him but you know
backfire I went to this bookstore in New York and uh I I go over to the guy you the young kid be par me do you have that book you the pitiful alcoholic you know it’s like and the guy you have you the pitiful Al my my uncle ran out with like black tape over his eyes you know and my cousin uh Marty will be there and I’m a little angry at him he’s like a real dreamer schemer kind of guy and he’s always uh into he he has like a divining Rod Shop in Statin
Island now you know and he’s like a pseudo real pseudo kind of Mystic you know and it’s really it’s frightening cuz like months ago Christmas time he’s a psychic kind of guy well he thinks he’s he does these mystical things you know and we’re sitting around the table and he’s like uh we’re having like a religious evening you know it’s like a holiday and he’s sitting there and he’s into this psychic phenomenon stuff and in the middle of the dinner he starts points at me you know I’m like it’s frightening he says don’t eat popcorn
in may he said to me you know well it’s important you has to find something now how do you feel I know you’re you’re kind of a a hypochondriac are you is that safe to say well yeah that whole posture nonsense you know I mean that’s uh so upet I even talked about I I try to relax you know I’m back home in La I’m taking a Slam Dancing course to the Jewish Community Center now well that’s good yeah it’s it’s all right yeah I have a helmet on like a skull cap helmet like a
batting helmet if I fall that’s good I go to doctors all the time you know I am a hypochondriac friend of mine sent me I think he made up a hypochondriacs coloring book you know had like outlines of like healthy people I would just like coloring problems all day and but I go and you have to go you know I I uh I but I go for the wrong reasons you know although this was legit friends always say you’re not sick you’re not sick I was really sick I was shopping the other day day and
I have trouble pulling the last C out you know I don’t know what those carts do but I got shopping C elbow whatever it is you know I couldn’t yack the thing out and and then the wheels were like an elephant man C was spinning around for like an hour and a half I wound up at some young Republicans picnic in Santa Barbara I don’t know where the hell I was you I was following this thing for hours and uh go to the doctor there’s a shopping cart at man in Beverly Hills I was told
about you know I could have gone to Geneva there’s a guy there but who has time who has time for that and uh I’m I’m not going to you know I can’t say I I’m happy I mean I’m paranoid I go and yet I’m paranoid like the X-ray the guy gave me an x-ray for the arm and look I’m sorry I mean they put this cone like Three Mile Island time in front of you and then he runs around the block hides in a safe for an hour and a half you know you walk out
like the thing and he’s putting in the hall with a golf thing there you know and he says to me uh he said bring a specimen which I really reason I I feel like it’s enough to go to doctors with all the money I had to bring a gold bar last physical that’s how much it cost me you know and I don’t want to bring that specimen in I I’m embarrassed at home I live alone again but I put a little hood on when I do it you know and uh I feel the nurses are
in this conspiracy I give them the little jar and she say is your name on the bottle I don’t know your name is chunky Skippy I don’t know you know I didn’t have time to type my name that’s all I have to do with my life type labels on my personality you know what I mean I don’t know I now uh I I want to talk to you about living in Los Angeles is that EAS you’ve only been out there a decade has it gotten any easier for you anything new in La that’s got you
down well it’s uh lots of stuff and uh it’s the women thing you know I uh just I’m bad luck I went to this bad luck Lounge went like in Santa Barbara you know meet this woman and and the thing that’s upsetting to me is that uh you know I know now that uh I cannot let go of somebody which is very important say you love somebody they don’t love you they give you subtle Clues it got to a point I was so disgusting I mean I was trying to get a back and she invited
me over to a house to watch a blowtorch my name out of a Rolodex you know and and you know and she was a mistake anyway she was anti-semitic you I found out out in bed to you know I found out she had like a little tattoo of a right on the corner was like a rabbi and a half Nelson she had right on the so you know I’m I’m upset about it and you know one thing when you’re lie in bed with someone it’s how you have you’re lucky if you have that you can
cuddle you know cuz I can’t sleep well so sometimes if you’re not sleeping the next person is going with the next person that’s how intimate I’m getting you know they snore you know you try to get that snore you know what I mean so she subconsciously hated me so much she would try to screw me up with the snow she would go you know she was yeah and I would like Jump Around couldn’t get the Rhythm what about um I didn’t even know how to bring this up but um uh Los Angeles and and Hollywood
uh in particular has kind of a reputation for being U looser than other parts of the world you know have you ever you know what I’m mean sex me yeah oh oh god well I mean uh have you ever I heard I read I you know this uh this Sharon was uh forget about it I couldn’t I mean she was too athletic I just uh I didn’t know what to do you know I tried to catch up I I read those books you know those positions 3,009 you’re in a bunk bed your wife’s holding a
chandel laber you know kind of like it’s it’s too much you know I’m going to write a manual and it’ll probably I don’t know what I would call probably you know it’ be uh ow you’re on my hair that would be the name of the the you’re on my hair y on my hair you know what that’s all I do there I mean I uh it’s just there’s too much pressure I mean uh for men they make a love once it’s over women and so many times it’s the greatest you know and you know after
ones for a man it’s no everyone knows this unless you’re a parakeet I guess you know make love ones check you know I it so uh I know what I lie in bed I’m still insecure if someone would say you know willing let’s make love again I go I really like to but I think I’ll put some aluminum siding on the house first no no sex manuals for nice to see you again Richard it’s always great to see how long are you going to be in town uh a couple of days see uncle rayar and
the cousin and then I’m off you know you don’t mind flying I’m not a fan I’m not a big fanther me neither uh nice to see you again Richard Lewis ladies and gentlemen uh we’ll be right back with Barbara cart
